Why So Complicated?What has happened to our interpretation of the word stay-at-home-mama? When did we women start considering it as an insult?
Today, my 8-year-old step daughter asked me of I was a house wife. While I am sure she had no idea what she was talking about, I found myself getting internally defensive and telling myself that I am not! I started explaining that I freelance jobs here and there and that I still have a career. Then, I saw a look of confusion on her face; she is only 8 and had no idea why I was getting so worked up. After pausing for a few moments, I realised how ridiculous I may have sounded.
Instead, my answer should have been: yes, I love you and your siblings so much that I put my life on hold for a while to take better care of you. However, modern society and what I like to refer to as "confused standards" have led me and so many other mamas to believe that staying at home for our kids is a total waste of our ambition. Like being a mama is so easy and a total waste of time.
Don't get me wrong, I miss my job so much. I miss working late hours, and I miss having professional conversations. I think of going back to work every day. But, I do not want to set an example to my daughters saying that if they decide to put their families first, they are less of achievers.
7 comments:
OMG woman again the topic iwas just thinking about, ijust returned from egypt and all the time iwas there this was on my mind. i talked to my ex coworkers and they all talked about work achivments then naturally ask me what am i doing with my life everytime this happens ifeel imbaressed to answer "well im astay at home mom now" some answerwed "oh! ok" others were like "what not U!" it felt bad... but uknow what ifound out, that they didnt give up on their dreams and didnt put their lives on hold and that might seem "more successfull" in theory but after seeing their kids im sooo happy and proud now to say im a full time mamma
I think it's great that you were self-reflexive enough to make sure you didn't perpetuate Western feminist ideology. It has become so common now for women to want to be equal to men through full-time careers, etc., without realizing the importance of motherhood as a full-time job. (In my opinion, this has led to a huge lack of discipline, nurture, and education of children these days). As a mother, you are able to raise your girls *and your boy* into knowing that men and women do not need to compete with each other in the job market, and that there is nothing wrong with playing different roles. What is important isn't recognition for both parents in the same field, but respect and recognition for each parent in the respective roles they play. As a non-working mother, you are able to raise and shape the following generation into well-educated and critical individuals :)
The thing is, not everyone can afford (or wants) to stay at home. I have a sister who is a dentist and works crazy shifts day and night. In Ramadan, she has shifts until 1am. The amount of work and dedication she puts into her house despite this is incredible. She wants to make it work!
What I do, stay at home and care for my kids, is easy compared to what she has to do. It takes so much hard work, sacrifice, planning and multi tasking. So many of my working friends go through this, I respect them for what they do and how they still attend to their children after all.
That said, I think how the kids turn out in the end totally depends on how much the mama puts into them, working or stay at home. At my daughter's school, I saw a child yell at his mama and call her "stupid", even though she doesn't work.
What I meant to say is this: I hope I can teach my daughters (and son) to look beyond stereotypes. A stay at home mama isn't "less ambitious" for doing so. And a working mama isn't less of a mama for doing so. In my opinion, the only thing that makes you less ambitious or less of a mama, is not being there for your child.
With all the respect for working and non working mothers, i strongly beleive that being there at the right time for your child is what counts as Noora said. From my experience as a mother of 21,18 year old sons, 15 year old daughter, and also as a professional who works at a preschool in Jordan and deal with 120 mothers yearly for the last 12 years. I'm telling you, raising a child well does not take a mom to stay beside him 24/7. It's the quality time and the right attention that counts. A working mother with a high potentional to do her best in life would manage her time ! at the same time a stay home mom can do the same, no rules in this they might both mess up and never do their best !!! Let me express my personal opinion, every one of us - as women - need to be empowered and partially independent, don't we ? our kids - God bless them - come for a reason and then eventually leave us for a reason ! they are not ours forever :) At my age, you might look back and wish you would have done something rewarding for your own self.. My mother worked as a teacher for 27 years, me and my brothers have very healthy family and profession life now ! she was my great model, so i did the same, I worked, and now i can't be more proud of my three angles who proved to be great acheivers and very hard working individuals :)
wow very well said :)
may allah bless you all
Reem, I was wondering where you disappeared!
Good to have you back :)
thanks noora :) nice to be missed...
well i wanted to add another thing to my previous comment i felt its rather important to say...
i don't want to offend any body or take sides with which is better working mother or stay at home mother i'm just sharing my own experience as some one who was raised by a working mother...
my mom is a doctor & she made the sacrifice of working in the government field rather than having her own practice so she can be around the house more for us...
so yes we ate home made meals, did very well at school & were very well behaved..the house was always kept tidy & in an acceptable level of cleanliness so on paper it looked like she got it all balanced out...
yet from a kid's point of view it was totally different..
my mom treated the whole day as a chore so she did all these things with a serious sad face...
we were not allowed to mess around cause she will scream at us because she can only clean the house on the week end so we MUST keep it clean & tidy at all times ( so no palydough or water colors)
we didn't have people coming over cause that means more chores nor did we go out to play a lot or have play dates cause most of the time mom was "tired" from chores & would rather lay down instead!
as a teenager when i had a problem & i wanted to talk with some one about it my mom would listen ( while cleaning or cooking something) then look at me 5 minutes into the conversation with " what do u want me to say look" on her face then proceed to tell me about how hard her life was/is so i don't really have a valid reason to complain! i remember her favorite quote " until you have kids u don't really have problems!"
so yes on a check list it looked balanced...
but were we happy confident people who had the courage to deal with trouble with a smile no we were not. and I for one feel socially occuared most of the time cause well i didn't deal with that many people growing up.
& you know the saying " when mama aint happy no body is" yeah i don't remember having " fun" with mom ever she was always doing whats needed but that's it...
well its not about homework & food only
another thing
when i was talking about meeting my friends kids in my previous post i was talking about a coworker of mine who came over to visit me with her 11 & 12 years old boys ( this is her & their first time coming over to my place) here is what happened
the second they walked in the house, they made fun of my 2 year old toddler, made my 3 year niece scream, took off their shoes & socks & started playing foot ball with the kids stuffed animals, breaking a new toy my tot just got & almost breaking things around the house!!!
i sat there puzzled is this normal for this age??? should i do something??? their mother on the other hand sat proudly telling me about her masters degree & the mba she just got & the other masters she was working on & the so & so certificate she was looking forward on getting next...what about the kids????
sadly what happens is u need certain certificates or courses to get ahead at any career that means you find ur self having to make a choice sometimes; " should i take that course/certificate which means spending less time with my kids, or say no to the job to stay with them"? sometimes the do what's needed for the job takes over cause after all it CAN harm you if you're not up to a certain level or you could lose your job all together, yet no matter how much you don't live to a certain standard at home you think you can make it up to them later...
sorry it was so long but my point is stay at home or work it's not about a checklist its about how "emotionally" you can be there for them because that is what they need more than food or homework.
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